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afaz



Number of posts : 3
Registration date : 2008-10-21

PostSubject: I need a little help...   10/22/2008, 10:18 pm

So this is going to sound really really whiny and awful, but I kind of am desperate for some help. So hereís me:
Iím in ninth grade.
I thought I was a lesbian for a while, but Iíve realized bisexual with a major preference toward girls is more accurate.
In my best friends, thereís A, my way cooler and prettier and awesomer and slightly less homosexual other half. Then thereís G, who Iíll get into in a few, whoís a lot like A but calmer and nicer. Thereís M, and pretty much Iím the only one who likes her. But sheís cool, just that having her around complicates thing. Then thereís Andrew, who doesnít really matter, except that heís entertaining. Heís hyper and amazing and loud and two years younger than me. L is our asexual redhead, and sheís just a really good person. Lastly, thereís E. He lies, heís amazing, heís really really sweet, heís a jerk, Iíve known him since sixth grade. And he likes A and two other girls.
I no longer go to the same school as any of them, I go to the local all-girls school. A switched to another school too, and one of the other girls E likes is living in India right now.
My family is pretty screwed up, but theyíre okay. My mom is just an average stay at home mom. My dad is highly grade-oriented, and makes a good bit of money, but has to send my brother and I to private schools, so he gets stressed often. He was brought up in a devout Christian household, so he has some issues with my liking girls, but heís learned to deal in the past few years. My brother, Andru (yes, he spells it like that), is two years older and really immature and obnoxious, but heís not awful for advice.
I came out to my friends two years ago, to Andru several months before that, to my mom a few weeks after that, and to my dad a few months later.
Iíve never dated anyone.
Iím not very attractive. Weight-wise, Iím normal. I do eat like a growing boy.
I kind of act like a growing boy too. Iím genius-level smart, but I just goof off and stuff a lot.
Iíve been pretty obsessed with E since I met him, but I didnít exactly realize it until a few months ago.
So thatís the background you need.

This all began in February of í07. I was more into G than I had ever been into anyone before. I only told A and one other friend who I didnít list, and even that took until April. I told M a month later. They were all ďgo for itĒ and stuff, but I didnít have the guts. Then at my birthday thing (late May), G kissed me. This pretty much counts as my first real kiss, like tongue and all (random camp hookups arenít going to count in this rant). So I was really happy, and just for myself, I wrote a love note, but not to ever give to her. And so that was cool, until I HAD IT ON ME and dropped it and it got back to her. And so she found out, and all this stuff went down and so I was still really into her but she rejected me and so I got really depressed and for a while, I cut myself. Now, I was around DeviantArt at that time, and so I told my friends through there and they helped me stop after a few months. But after that, my parents asked to see my dev, and then they found out, and so they sent me to a troubled teens type place, but that was actually really fun and all. (But I wasnít allowed on dev at home after that, but I go on at school and stuff.)So when I got back, it was all good with G, and she was just glad I was okay, and I was okay being friends. I was pretty much okay, just going to therapy. I wasnít over her, but I was coping.

In March of this year (yes, I know I just fastforwarded a lot. Nothing important really happened for that time), I got Rock Band. During my first Holocaust class after March break, I told E and A, and so we all agreed to start hanging out and playing. So we did, A on vocals (sheís excellent), E on guitar (he really plays), and me on bass. And since L really played drums, we recruited her too. And thus FQ, our band, was born, electronically at least. A while after, we decided to start a real-life version, and I learned to play bass, and it was really amazing. We played a song in our school talent show, and added G on rhythm guitar, and so we kept existing. At the beginning of summer, one other friend threw a small birthday party and it was really fun.

Except that E and I made out there. (I initiated it).

Now, youíd think I would have learned my lesson from what happened with G, but I was starting to realize how much I had always liked E, and that I was only bisexual, and all that fun stuff. He IMed me the next day saying he ďhad funĒ and asking me ďagain soon?Ē A week later, there was a party closer to my house, and that girl he likes who lives in India was there, and so we didnít do anything. He did, however, say that we shouldnít do it again. I was wondering about the change, so I talked to A. Turns out, she was kind of jealous and L was feeling left out, so she had told him to go for it if he wanted but just to know she was feeling envious. So he, being as nice as he is, he totally rejected me, but I was okay since that was before I had really realized that I might be in love (Iím a sucker for that). So that wouldíve been the end of it, except that the next weekend, he had a small party, and I went swimming in jeans and a bra, and you could totally see him (and my other guy friends who were there, but mostly E) getting hard. So he and I were necking later, and he was all ďI just want you near me,Ē and ďIím sorry Iím so awful at not liking you,Ē and all of that kind of thing. I got a ride home with A, and she was kind of okay with it, because her love life was sorting itself out. And then I made the mistake of asking E out. It was casual, and very itís-okay-if-you-say-no, but I made my case.

He, of course, said no.

His reasons were ruining our friendship, bothering our friends, the fact that we live two hours away from one another, and that he ďwasnít looking for a relationship.Ē I couldíve argued with any of these, but I didnít. By now, I knew how much I liked him, so it sucked. But he had agreed that we could keep ďwith benefitsĒ tacked to the end of our title as friends. So I was good with that.
Now, though, Iím getting some real mixed signals. We maintain a flirty poke-war on Facebook, and whenever weíre together, he constantly hugs or just casually touches me. On the flip side, he signs off whenever I IM him, he doesnít often talk to me, and I heard heís going to ask another girl out. So much for not wanting a relationship. And heís been all over A lately, and she doesnít know how to make him stop. She told me sheís going to tell him I love him, just in case he hasnít realized it yet, and Iím not stopping her, just in case it works out. (If it doesnít, I can just say she was wrong.)

So anyway, what should I do?


Last edited by afaz on 10/22/2008, 10:21 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : clarity)
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April
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Number of posts : 103
Location : Under The Bed
Registration date : 2008-09-01

PostSubject: Re: I need a little help...   10/22/2008, 10:32 pm

So...did E know you're attracted to girls?

~April
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afaz



Number of posts : 3
Registration date : 2008-10-21

PostSubject: Re: I need a little help...   10/23/2008, 11:03 pm

April: He knew.
But, uh, I just found out he has a girlfriend. D: The situation is more dire than I had thought.
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